The letter.

Dancing in the rain,
I taste these droplets so divine,
Knowing you are near,
Though I am so far behind,
I rushed home, I need to,
I desperately struggled for the next breath,
I shut the world away from me,
I met my silent death,
And suddenly, appallingly,
You pulled the strings,
The curtain of darkness fades away,
I utter in disbelief of the joy your world brings,
My hands trembled,
They shook,
Longing for another to comfort me,
Something in me ran wild,
I can't control it anymore so I let it be,
Just be.

Circa September 2001

Dreams.

I dreamt of seeing the world,
Crossing oceans and venturing the unventured,

Dreamt of power,
And empowering whom I love and had loved,

Dreamt of naked trees,
Waiting to bloom, slender branches stretched and curved,

Dreamt of you,
The beautiful you, affection undeserved,

Dreamt of me,
My curious soaring dreams,
Yet here I am,
Rooted to the earth,

Circa September 2001

As.

As tears fall silently,
My smile rushes through the capillaries from my heart,
I craft your silhouette,
Moments slowly part,
Paint your face with pallets of rainbow,
Your eyes piercing through mine,
I pray and hope your love will show,
Angelic rays shining aligned,
I have loved you,
Through words and words alone,
Hanging on, today I still do,
Feelings unspeakable, untouchable, unknown,
Cries, they fall into the depth of silent night,
Glimmer, a mix of sadness, joy and purity,
I rather have one moment and lose my sight,
Than forever breathing in this insanity.

circa September 2001

Promises.

You promised we will sit all night in the park,
I went there but you never came.

You promised we will watch shooting stars,
I laid awake but you never came.

You promised all things nice and sweet,
I waited with patience abounding,
But you never came.

You promised we will be on top of the world,
I wanted so much too but you never came.

You promised you will handle me with care,
I was ready but you never came.

You promised a million words,
I listened with my heart,
You promised to bring me with you,
I packed my hopes,
You promised the world,
I was ready to embrace,
You promised to dry my tears,
I let it all fall,
You promised to be there,
I went searching,
You promised you won't break my heart,
I took the risk,
But it was all the same.

circa Sept 2001

Yasmin How You Know: An unfinished tribute to Yasmin Ahmad.

I've only had a brief encounter with Yasmin.  Okay, no, make that TWO brief encounters.  The more memorable one was when I was a junior planner and was so smitten by the Petronas ads she wrote, I couldn't resist but hunt her email down and wrote to her.  I did not bother with classy opening paragraphs.  I immediately jumped into my curiosity.  I told her how amazing I think her ads were and specifically: How do you write like that?

To which she replied (after a very polite Thank You): From the heart.  And perhaps that was one of the single most career-changing perspectives I've ever experienced.  The thing is, it's such a simple truth that in retrospect, it just seems stupid for anyone to NOT know.  Well, I was stupid then.  And complicated.  If you have experienced a tiny spark of brilliance in pulling something simple out of your innocent advertising mind but crossed it out because you feel someone would ridicule you or try to back-rationalize it till it sounds complicatedly intelligent, then my friend, you're like me.

And sometimes, honest truth, I still do that.  This is a vicious industry because it isn't like sales nor production where calculations are tangible and goals are in black and white.  This is an industry that needs to not just make money for ourselves but for the clients we are accountable to, using highly intangible emotional play.  Truth be told, no one in the boardroom will ever know the exact outcome till it's out, isn't it?

I've never met or heard or read or come to know a person quite like Yasmin.  Leafing through pages and pages of her tribute from her colleagues, friends and families; one thing for sure about this woman is her genuine consistency.  She has no second approach to anything.  Just one: Love.  With a dash of humour, just to lighten tense situations up.  And a LOT of logic.  I can't name and/or recall any figure in the industry as important and pivotal as her.  And it ain't just coming from me, as you may account in everything everyone says about her in this imperfectly perfectly bound pages.

So, fast forward a decade now.  I realised that that one email has impacted my life more than I thought it would.  Because since then, I've always written from the heart.  Maybe not for everything.  But for everything that has meaning to me.  Writing to friends, family, loved ones, writing my heart out, campaigns that matter, work that matters, projects with high resonance of personal passion.

And I will be an observer of humans, sensitive to emotions and keep writing.

Drive - Daniel H. Pink.

Sometimes you come across a really good book which you can't put it aside till you finish devouring every insight it has to offer.  Drive is completely that book.  The big question that no one even seemed to ask; does the current business operating system still work in today's time of immense change?  People's lifestyle, attitude and behaviour have greatly evolved due to the pervasiveness of information, communication and network technology, yet when they assume their job in whichever organisation they work for, they fall back into a medieval system that seems to be obsolete in this day and age.

Why?
Open this book and find out why :)

The Social Animal - David Brooks.

This is one of the most profound books I have ever digested.  EVER.  And I mean no exaggeration.  The Economist touted it as 'a fascinating study of the unconscious mind and its impact on our lives' and it has certainly lived up to the name and dare I say beyond it.

The Social Animal is a narration on the life story of two protagonists and everyone in between from their foetal conception right up to their grave.  I'm not exactly a fan of fiction, but what Brook did was ingenious.  He interspersed general fiction of these characters which are very possible lives of anyone in today's world with facts, data, sound researches, hypotheses to back almost every behavioural decision made by these said characters - in short, he proved that as we go through life from cradle to grave, we think we are the ones making the decisions but most often than not, it is our unconscious that's been steering the ship.  We processed millions of data and stimuli to make a decision even before we realized we've already decided, the conscious was just a matter of executing it.  And what Brooks did was not to let the course of his work turn airy fairy - just because there're still no definitive scientific researches today that can prove the workings of our brain, let alone our mind - instead he meticulously weaved in relevant scientific facts and insightful literary prose that would justify even our most shameless subconscious behaviour or actions that we might have taken and to be so dumbfounded as to why.

To be honest, this book was almost like a mysterious answer that fell from the sky, right onto my lap.  But less dramatically, it just caught my eye on one of Border's shelves in the 'self-help' section.  Have you ever felt like there are two people living inside you and you don't know why?  And worse, when one of them misbehaves, the other deeply resents that, and you're stuck in the middle not knowing which one to side?  In The Social Animal, Brooks introduced many characters (that I'm assuming can be generalized into a representative segment of the general population) that I resonate with.  It feels like every character has a little bit of me at different parts of the narration.  And by him 'dissecting' actions, choices, decisions, thoughts and showing a path to how our everyday unconsciousness could be leading and making the decisions for our own best interest, I suddenly understood what it means to 'surrender'.  The word 'surrender' in a religious context - surrender to God - has always felt more like giving up and being defeated.  Put it in a non-religious context then it sounds a tad too new-age for me - surrender to what?  It felt to me we could easily replace it with an indifferent 'whatever' and it would still work.  But after this intense journey, I realized that 'surrendering' simply means letting my unconscious take over and trust it to make the best decisions for me based on its unexplainable unscientific unfounded way of processing simple and complex information.  I've got strong intuitions, and I've always allowed it to point me to some kind of direction - at work, in relationships, in sports, in travelling - but once the course is set, logic will simply take over and say, "Good job, but we don't need you anymore".  I suppose when it comes to highly objective matters (as in business) being less emotional and more logical would be appreciated.  But now I'm curious.  I'm curious if, when and should my 'unconscious' take over - would the decisions be the same?  If love was something that falls entirely in the 'unconscious' segment, would my unconsciousness be able to guard my heart and protect me like what I've been so consciously doing?  If I'd play badminton more intuitively, would I be a better player serving more strategic shots without actually needing to learn how to do that in theory?

This is truly tricky if you ask me.  As I mentioned, I've always been highly intuitive.  Not always but most of the time, I could foresee outcome A or B because of XYZ so that I now can decide to pick solution C or D accordingly, but never really thought about letting my intuition take the entire course.  Because it is scary to not know what you're doing.  Since I've learned that the unconscious will and is capable of making the best decision, I should hold back less, analyse less - all these presumingly points to better balance and inner peace.  It is truly liberating to know now that I didn't trust myself enough to make certain decisions and now I can actually change that ;)

The Social Animal is highly recommended for anyone who has an interest in psychology, social science, behavioural economics, sociology or simply an interest in their own mind and thoughts.  The last time I read an over-500-pages book in 3 days time was the last instalment of Harry Potter.  A good book is one I consider, after an intense back-to-back reading, you feel rejuvenated (or have some kind of closure - as in the case of Harry Potter 7) instead of feeling exhausted.  You know, the amazing thing is I feel like re-reading The Social Animal simply because it carries so much insights.  Some blatant on the lines, some hidden in between.  I feel like I want to take it slower this time and make sure I've really digested everything.  Awesome :)

And to think that I saw it on Mulberry Street - Dr. Seuss.

An astonishingly simple narration of what happens when an adult mind meddle with the imagination of a child!  Sometimes the adult is an adult outside of us but sometimes it's the adult living inside of us that puts a full stop to creativity and possibility.  So the next time you imagine something and almost like a video, Fear puts a stop to the reel - 'unpause' it and resume that wonderful imaginative journey.  There is no harm in imagination.  It's only when you intend to make it real, you will automatically self-trim to make it realistic with your environment.  Otherwise, why not? :)